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JimC View Drop Down
Really should get out more
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Joined: 17 May 04
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Posts: 6660 		Post Options Post Options   Quote JimC Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Topic: best funny emails
    Posted: 16 Jul 10 at 12:33pm
Originally posted by getafix

"This is the Portsmouth-Cherbourg Ferry."

Most versions have it as the Isle of Wight Ferry, or Mersey Ferry...
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ham4sand View Drop Down
Far too distracted from work
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Joined: 27 Jul 09
Location: United Kingdom
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Posts: 452 		Post Options Post Options   Quote ham4sand Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 16 Jul 10 at 4:09pm
as it is still going to europe if going to cherbourg
John Hamilton
cherub 2645 - cheese before bedtime
cherub 3209 - anatidaephobia
laser 176847 - kiss this
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The Moo View Drop Down
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Joined: 01 Jun 06
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Posts: 809 		Post Options Post Options   Quote The Moo Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 16 Jul 10 at 5:40pm
Defense Attorney:
Will you please state your age?

Old Lady:
I am 94 years old.

Defense Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm
spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch
and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney:
Did you know him?

Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?

Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him?

Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died
some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Old Lady:
He began to rub all over of my body.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him then?

Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited.
I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so "spicy" that I just laid down
and told him 'Take me, young man. Take me now! '

Defense Attorney:
Did he take you?

Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!"


And that's when I shot him, the little b**tard.
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ifoxwell View Drop Down
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Joined: 05 Jan 06
Location: Hoo
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Posts: 669 		Post Options Post Options   Quote ifoxwell Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 07 Sep 10 at 11:21am
Let's put the seniors in jail and the criminals in a
nursing home. This
way the seniors would have access to showers, hobbies and
walks.   
They'd receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and
medical
treatment, wheel chairs etc and they'd receive money
instead of paying
it out.
They would have constant video monitoring, so they could
be helped
instantly, if they fell, or needed assistance.
Bedding would be washed twice a week, and all clothing
would be ironed
and returned to them. A guard would check on them every
20 minutes and
bring their meals and snacks to their cell.    
They would have family visits in a suite built for that
purpose.
They would have access to a library, weight room,
spiritual counseling,
pool and education.
Simple clothing, shoes, slippers, PJ's and legal aid
would be free, on
request.
Private, secure rooms for all, with an exercise outdoor
yard, with   
gardens.
Each senior could have a PC a TV radio and daily phone
calls.
There would be a board of directors to hear complaints,
and the guards
would have a code of conduct that would be strictly
adhered to.

The "criminals" would get cold food, be left all alone
and unsupervised.

Lights off at 8pm, and showers once a week.
Live in a tiny room and pay £900.00 per month and have no
hope of ever
getting out.   
Justice for all we say.
RS300
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Villan View Drop Down
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Joined: 26 Nov 05
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Posts: 1768 		Post Options Post Options   Quote Villan Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 07 Sep 10 at 9:44pm

Well, times are tough, and i've managed to "acquire" a number of iPads. I can't say how many I have but they are £100 each, first come first serve. Pics attached ... 



..


..


..


..
Vareo - 149 "Secrets"
TandyUK Servers
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Mark Jardine View Drop Down
Admin Group
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Joined: 12 Mar 04
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Posts: 1028 		Post Options Post Options   Quote Mark Jardine Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 12 Nov 10 at 6:54pm
One day in the future, Barack Obama has a heart-attack and dies.

He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."

Obama thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room.

In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dived in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.

"No," Obama said. "I don't think so.. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day long."

The devil led him to the door of the next room.

In it was Al Gore with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.

"No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented Obama.

The devil opened a third door. Through it, Obama saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

Obama looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah man, I can handle this."

The devil smiled and said...

"OK, Monica, you're free to go."
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rogerd View Drop Down
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Posts: 1076 		Post Options Post Options   Quote rogerd Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 01 Dec 10 at 8:41pm
Nintendo are bringing out a new role playing game in which you play a 13 year old Glaswegian juvenile delinquent. Its called Wii b**tard.
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The Moo View Drop Down
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Posts: 809 		Post Options Post Options   Quote The Moo Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 02 Dec 10 at 7:59am
An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner & had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work... They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
'So, How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.

'I would like it infrequently,' she replied.

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, then leaned over towards her and whispered, Is that one word or two ?
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G.R.F. View Drop Down
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Joined: 10 Aug 08
Location: United Kingdom
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Posts: 4028 		Post Options Post Options   Quote G.R.F. Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 07 Dec 10 at 11:46am
Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.  Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.  One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly  jumped into the deep end.


He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. 


Edna promptly jumped in to save him.  She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.  When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.


When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news.  The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love...  I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.


The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him.  I am so sorry, but he's dead.'


Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry..   
How soon can I go home?'


Happy Mental Health Day!


You can do your bit by remembering to send an email to an unstable friend...


Done my part!!! 

 
https://www.ease-distribution.com/
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winging it View Drop Down
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Posts: 3958 		Post Options Post Options   Quote winging it Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 09 Dec 10 at 10:10am
theft reported in Kent:

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-kent-11908583

play the sound clip...
the same, but different...

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