best funny emails

Originally posted by Prince Buster It's better with the Welsh farmer!

I heard the same version, means slightly more

I recently found myself a new GP. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 90?"

He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?"

"Oh no," I replied. "I'm not doing drugs, either!"

Then he asked, "Do you eat steaks or fish ’n‘ chips?

I said, "No, my former doctor said that all red meat and greasy food is very unhealthy!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or cycling?"

"No, I don't," I said.

He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"

"No," I said.

He looked at me and said, "Then, why do you even give a sh*t ?

Suspect you may have seen this but: -

Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."
Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."
Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this?"
Hardy: "Sorry sir?"
Nelson (reading aloud): "' England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability.' - What gobbledegook is this?"
Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting ' England ' past the censors, lest it be considered racist."
Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."
Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments."
Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the mainbrace to steel the men before battle."
Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."
Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it........... full speed ahead."
Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."
Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest please."
Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."
Nelson: "What?"
Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness, and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."
Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."
Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle Admiral."
Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."
Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled."
Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."
Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."
Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."
Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"
Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."
Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."
Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"
Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."
Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"
Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."
Nelson: "We're not?"
Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."
Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."
Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report."
Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King."
Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life"
Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"
Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment."
Nelson: "What about sodomy?"
Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."
Nelson: "In that case............................... kiss me, Hardy."

Not long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip, but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves were sick and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular elves do.

Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two other ones had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where to. More stress!

 Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the ski boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys everywhere.
Totally frustrated, Santa went back into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whisky. When he went to the cupboard, he found the elves had hit the booze and there was nothing to drink.

In his frustration, he dropped the coffee cup and it broke into hundreds of pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw that it was made from.

 Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a cute little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said: "Where would you like to put this tree, fat man?"


And that my friend is how the little angel came to be on top of the Christmas tree ! ! !

Edited by Villan

>-----
>I am not sure exactly how it works, but this is amazingly accurate.
>
>R ead the full description before looking at the picture.
>The picture has 2 identical dolphins in it. It was used in a case
>study on stress levels at St. Mary's Hospital.
>Look at both dolphins jumping out of the water. The dolphins are
>identical. A closely monitored, scientific study revealed that, in
>spite of the fact that the dolphins are identical,  a person under
>stress would find differences in the two dolphins.
>The more differences a person finds between the dolphins, the more
>stress that person is experiencing.
>Look at the photograph and if you find more than one or two
>differences you may want to take a vacation.


















































Edited by Delphina