best funny emails

a man walks into a fancy dress party with his willy dangling in a bowl of custard.

a woman walks up to him, checks him out and says, 'so what have you come as

the man winks, smiles back and says "I'm f***ing disgusted"


Edited by Skiffybob

DIARY OF AN ENGLISHMAN

'Our First Winter'

DEC. 20TH
It's starting to snow. The first of the season and the first we've seen for years. The wife & I took out hot toddies and sat on the porch watching the fluffy soft flakes drift gently down, clinging to the trees and covering the ground. It's so beautiful & peaceful.

DEC. 24th
Woke to a lovely blanket of crystal white glistening snow covering as far as the eye could see. What a fantastic sight everything covered with a beautiful white mantel. I shovelled snow for the first time ever and loved it! I did both our driveway & the pavement.
Later that day a snowplough came along & accidently covered up our driveway with compacted snow from the street. The driver smiled & waved. I waved back & shovelled it away again. The children next door built a snowman with coal for eyes & a carrot for a nose and had a snowball fight - a couple just missed me & hit the car so I threw a couple back & joined in the fun.

DEC. 26th
It snowed an additional 5 inches last night and the temp. dropped to around minus 8 degrees. Several branches on our trees & bushes snapped due to the weight of the snow. I shovelled our drive again. Shortly afterwards the snowplough came by & did his trick again! Much of the snow is now brownish/grey.

JAN. 1st
Warmed up enough during the day to create some slush, which soon became ice when the temp. dropped again. Bought snow tyres for both our cars. Fell on my arse in the driveway. Went to physio but nothing was broken.

JAN. 5th
Still cold. Sold the wife's car & bought her a 4X4 to get her to work. She slid into a wall & did considerable damage to right wing. Had another 8 inches of white sh*te last night. Both vehicles are covered in salt & iced up slush. That b*****d snowplough came by twice today. Where's that bloody shovel?

JAN.9th
More f***ing snow. Not a tree or bush on our property that hasn't been damaged. Power was off most of the night. Tried to keep from freezing to death with candles & a paraffin heater that tipped over & nearly torched the house. I managed to put the flames out but suffered 2nd degree burns on my hands. Lost my eyebows & eyelashes. Car hit a f***ing deer on the way to casualty & was written off!

JAN. 13th
F***ing b*****d white sh*te just keeps on coming down. Have to put on every article of clothing just to go to the post box. The little s***s next door ambushed me with snowballs on the way back. I'll shove that carrot so far up the little pricks' arses; it'll take a good surgeon hours to find it. If I ever catch that ar**hole that drives that snowplough I'll chew open his chest & rip out his heart with my teeth. I think the b*****d hides round the corner & waits for me to finish shovelling & then he accelerates down the street like Michael f***ing Schumacher & buries the f***ing drive again.

JAN. 17th
16 more sodding inches of f***ing snow & f***ing ice & f***ing sleet & God knows what other white sh*te fell last night. I am in court in 3 months time for assaulting the snowplough driver with an ice pick. Can't move my f***ing toes. Haven't seen the sun for 5 weeks. Minus 20 & more b*****d snow is forecast.

Still Chin Up eh soon be spring?

An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard.
I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of.

He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head;
he then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the
hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep.


An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.

The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour.
This continued off and on for several weeks.

Curious I pinned a note to his collar: 'I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is
and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.'

The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar:
'He lives in a home with 6 children, 2 under the age of 3 - he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?

Apologies if a repost: -

An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks once more, for old times sake.
He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room.
He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks, 'How am I doing?? '
The prostitute replies, 'well, old sailor, you're doing about three knots'
'Three knots?' he asks. 'What's that supposed to mean??'
She says,

"You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money back".

An elderly, white-haired man walked into a jewellery store one Friday evening with a beautiful young blonde at his side.
He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a £5,000 ring. The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."

At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only £40,000," he said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, "By cheque. I know you need to make sure my cheque clears so I'll write it now, and you can call the bank on Monday morning to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up on Monday afternoon," he said..

On Monday morning, the jeweller 'phoned the old man and said "Sir, there's no money in that account."
"I know," said the old man, "but let me tell you about my weekend!"