best funny emails

Got this the other day.. "the A-Z of sailing"

A - Anchor:

Any of a number of heavy hook shaped devices that is dropped over the side of a boat on a length of rope/chain, deisigned to hold the vessel securely in place until

a) the wind exceeds 2 knots

b) the crew depart

c) 3 am.

Aneroid Barometer:

Meteorological instrument which sailors use to confirm the onset of bad weather. It's readings, together with heavy rain, severe rolling, high winds, dark skies and deep cloud cover indicate the presence of a storm.

Boom:

1)laterally mounted pole to which sail is fastened and used during gybing to shift crew members to a fixed horizontal position.

2) sound made when a spirit stove is used to convert boat into a liquid asset.

Binoculars:

Entertainig shipboard kaleidoscope which when held up to the light reveals interesting patterns caused by salt spray scratches and thumb prints. Uncapped, its lens may be used to collect small amounts of salt from spray through evaporation.

Catamaran:

Boat design involving two hulls therefore twice as likely to hit something or develop a leak, yet taking twice as long to sink.

Chock:

Sudden and unpleasant surprise suffered by spanish seamen.

and so on.....

Hydrophobia:

Basic test of fundamental sanity.

Overboard:

No longer On Board ship, usually by falling off of one. One of the limited occasions when disembarkation from the vessel implies a shortening rather than lengthening of the life span of the individual involved.

Spinnaker:

Large baggy balloon-like sail trailed in the water in a big bundle from the front of a boat in order to slow it down.

Swimming:

A form of solo waterbourne navigation, often employed after going Overboard.

Windward:

The direction the wind is coming from, also known as

a) the way back to land/marina/slip way,

b)  the direction you'd like to be going in,

c) the direction that doesn't involve being stuck on a lee shore

d) the direction that will become downwind as soon as you no longer wish to be going that way.

Xebec:

Small three masted mediterranean sailing vessel or a useful word in Scrabble.

Zephyr:

Warm, pleasant breeze named after Greek god of wishful thinking, false hopes and unreliable forecasts.