best funny emails

Time to start a new thread here

Edited by Skiffybob

I'm confused. I thought "Pikey" was a derogatory term for a member of the Caravan Utilising Nomadic Travelling community. The questionnaire seems to suggest otherwise.........

To my dearest,

I want you. I shall seek and find you. I shall take you to bed and have my way with you. I will make you ache, shake, and sweat until you moan and groan. I will make you beg for mercy. I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I am finished with you, and I will leave you weak for days.

All my love,

Swine Flu

> My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we
> were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
> "No," she answered. I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
> She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."
> So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
> And that's when the fight started....
>
> ...............................................
>
> I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
> It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
> "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
> So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
> And that's when the fight started....
>
> ................................................
>
> Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch,
> grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up
> the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a
> torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back
> into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the
> weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly
> undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's
> back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, ‘The weather
> out there is terrible.'
> My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid
> husband is out fishing in that?'
> And that's when the fight started....
>
> ...............................................
>
> A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.
> Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from
> outside. The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled
> at the man 'Holy Crap, that must be my husband!'
> So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the
> window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush
> and to his car as fast as he could go. A few minutes later he
> returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM
> your husband!'
> The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'
> And that's when the fight started....
>
> ...............................................
>
>
> I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Carlsberg for £24.95.
> Instead, she bought a jar of face cream for £17.95.
> I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the
> face cream..
> And that's when the fight started....
>
> ..............................................
>
> A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
> She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, 'I
> feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay
> me a compliment.'
> The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
> And that's when the fight started....
>
> ................................................
>
> I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my
> order first. "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
> He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""
> Nah, she can order for herself."
> And that's when the fight started....
>
> ............................................................ .............
>
>
> After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for my
> Pension
> The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to
> verify my age.
> I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
> I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home
> and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt.' So I
> opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That
> silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed
> my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my
> wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said,
> 'You should have dropped your trousers. You might have gotten
> disability, too.'
> And that's when the fight started....
>
------------------------------------------------------------ -----------------------
> One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot
> as a Christmas gift. The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.
> When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used
> the gift I bought you last year!"
> And that's when the fight started.....

THIS IS LABOUR GOVERNMENT

REST OF THE WORLD VERSION:

The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building and improving his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.

The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.

THE END

------------------------------------------------------------ ------------

LABOUR GOVERNMENT THE UK VERSION

The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building and improving his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.

A social worker finds the shivering grasshopper, calls a press conference and demands to know why the squirrel should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others less fortunate, like the grasshopper, are cold and starving.

The BBC shows up to provide live coverage of the shivering grasshopper; with cuts to a video of the squirrel in his comfortable warm home with a table laden with food.

The British press inform people that they should be ashamed that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so, while others have plenty.

The Labour Party, Greenpeace, Animal Rights and The Grasshopper Council of GB demonstrate in front of the squirrel's house. The BBC, interrupting a cultural festival special from Notting Hill with breaking news, broadcasts a multi-cultural choir singing 'We shall overcome'.

Ken Livingstone rants in an interview with Trevor McDonald that the squirrel got rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the squirrel to make him pay his 'fair share' and increases the charge for squirrels to enter inner London .

In response to pressure from the media, the Government drafts the Economic Equity and Grasshopper anti Discrimination Act, retroactive to the beginning of the summer.

The squirrel's taxes are reassessed. He is taken to court and fined for failing to hire grasshoppers as builders for the work he was doing on his home and an additional fine for contempt when he told the court the grasshopper did not want to work. The grasshopper is provided with a council house, financial aid to furnish it and an account with a local taxi firm to ensure he can be socially mobile. The squirrel's food is seized and re-distributed to the more needy members of society, in this case the grasshopper.

Without enough money to buy more food, to pay the fine and his newly imposed retroactive taxes, the squirrel has to downsize and start building a new home. The local authority takes over his old home and utilises it as a temporary home for asylum seeking cats who had hijacked a plane to get to Britain as they had to share their country of origin with mice. On arrival they tried to blow up the airport because of Britain 's apparent love of dogs.

The cats had been arrested for the international offence of hijacking and attempted bombing but were immediately released because the police fed them pilchards instead of salmon whilst in custody. Initial moves to return them to their own country were abandoned, because it was feared they would face death by the mice. The cats devise and start a scam to obtain money from people's credit cards.

A Panorama special shows the grasshopper finishing the last of the squirrel's food, though spring is still months away, while the council house he is in, crumbles around him because he hasn't bothered to maintain the house. He is shown to be taking drugs. Inadequate government funding is blamed for the grasshoppers' drug 'illness'.

The cats seek recompense in the British courts for their treatment since arrival in UK .

The grasshopper gets arrested for stabbing an old dog during a burglary to get money for his drugs habit. He is imprisoned but released immediately because he has been in custody for a few weeks. He is placed in the care of the probation service to monitor and supervise him.. Within a few weeks he has killed a guinea pig in a botched robbery.

A commission of enquiry, that will eventually cost £10,000,000 and state the obvious, is set up. Additional money is put into funding a drug rehabilitation scheme for
grasshoppers and legal aid for lawyers representing asylum seekers is increased. The government praises the asylum-seeking cats for enriching Britain 's multicultural diversity, and dogs are criticised by the government for failing to befriend the cats.

The grasshopper dies of a drug overdose. The usual sections of the press blame it on the obvious failure of government to address the root causes of despair arising from social inequity and his traumatic experience of prison. They call for the resignation of a government minister.

The cats are paid a million pounds each because their rights were infringed when the government failed to inform them there were mice in the United Kingdom .

The squirrel, the dogs and the victims of the hijacking, the bombing, the burglaries and robberies have to pay an additional percentage on their credit cards to cover losses. Their taxes are increased to pay for law and order, and they are told that they will have to work beyond 65 because of a shortfall in government funds.

THE END