Valentines day card ?

This appeared as a blog on my site yesterday and got loads of responses from both sides.  I was crying with laughter.

6 Ways to woo her on Valentines Day ( by Ange)

Odd that a man should turn to me for seduction and romance advice, but still. I can only speak from personal experience. I had many more suggestions to choose from but have started with 6. If my day gets better, I'll post some more.


Turn up sober
If you're going to try using the "I ended up having to stay late to work for a meeting" line, do NOT breathe alcohol in my face, burp, hiccup or slur your words (romantic or otherwise). Oh and if you do plan to be late for our date, at least do the decent thing and call or text to let me know. I do not appreciate having to sit in the restaurant waiting for you looking like Millie-no-mates.


Dress appropriately.
That football shirt with the curry stain on the front is great for you to watch the footie in. Hell, it would be just as good to mop out the cat litter tray but it's not suitable for our Valentine date. Are you taking me for a romantic dinner on the beach? No I thought not. Put the shorts away then. You promised to take me to that gorgeous little Italian restaurant. You did book it right?


Personal hygiene.
Use deodorant and not to mask that unpleasant aroma that follows you around. Wash, repeat until clean. Invest in a toothbrush & toothpaste and use them REGULARLY. If budget allows, gets several bottle of mouthwash as well. A good sense of humour will only help with your hygiene issues if our romance is a long distance one and we never, repeat NEVER meet.


Gifts & gestures.
Actions speak louder than words. The whole "I was gonna buy you something but didn't get time, isn't it the thought that counts?" game is grossly overrated. Thoughts do not count. It doesn't need to be a big or expensive gift. You could even make something. Simple huh? No, not you, the gift can be simple.


Flowers.
They're expensive at this time of year. Get over it. Dead petrol station flowers do not say, "I love you darling", they say "I live in a parallel universe most of the time and only pop back to the real world occasionally. It just so happens that I popped back in when I was filling up with fuel on my way home and realised that it was Valentines Day. I thought you would appreciate these dead flowers as a gesture of how important you are to me. I've even left the sticker on so you know where I'd bought them from." And don't steal flowers from our neighbour's garden again. They're still not talking to me after last year.


Listen.
I know when you're not listening. Your yawning and doing other things gives you away every single time. You and I both know that you're incapable of doing 2 things at once, unless you count breathing and farting. 3 things if you count setting fire to your own farts. Hello? I'm talking to you. Put the lighter down.

The Male Response (from Rob)

It's not always about blokes wooing birds - some birds like to woo blokes. Here's the essential guide for those women who reckon they can make a romantic seductive evening for the guys.

Turn up rat-arsed. Take it from me girls, there's nothing more attractive nor a dead cert than your bird turning up legless. Even better if you bring your equally bi-curious drunk girlfriend. It's fine by us. Really. It is.

Dress appropriately. Yep. Plunging necklines, tight skirts/jeans/shorts, stockings and FMP's (stillettoes). Have a universal toggle somewhere where a simple tug removes the majority inside a nano second. It's for your own good. If in doubt try your damndest to look like Angelina Jolie.

Personal hygiene. What the hell is that?

Gifts & gestures. Useful stuff only please girls! Memory sticks, tools, Ipods, phones, Jazz Mag subscriptions, curry coupons and cases of beer are always welcome. Rings, flowers and girly stuff is for pussies. Remember your man is a man and that as a man he should get manly stuff.

Listen. To the farmyard animal noises he makes and giggle with him. Women generally have no idea how difficult it is to produce a ten second four oactave fart or to be able to say something funny with a burp. These are life skills that have stood him in good stead in the boozer.

Food. Curry - the hotter the better - lamb bhuna or a vindaloo - tuck in with him too - show him you can be one of the boys despite the inevitable discomfort at varying stages over the next 2-48 hours. Drink pints too - nothing is more romantic than a sheila that hooks into a pint of Four X, Pride or some of that exotic Belgian stuff that takes your head off. If you smoke, spark up a cigar - a whopper - does it for me very time.

Sex. Focus on your man but remember that immediately he has 'finished' the stresses and strains of his working day will not usually allow any devotion to you and a cuddle just makes it worse. When we say it was fine, we mean it. Just fine. Nothing bad, just fine. No need to reach for the self help analysis books - things are fine - okay - hunky dory. Blokes rarely remember sex just the filth that accompanies it.

Post Coital Television. There is real beauty in Ultimate Cage Fighting, Ice Hockey and Darts. Go with the flow ladies.