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Dear Dave

Printed From: Yachts and Yachting Online
Category: General
Forum Name: Banter
Forum Discription: For all those non-sailing related discussions
URL: http://www.yachtsandyachting.com/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=730
Printed Date: 22 Nov 19 at 4:07pm
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Topic: Dear Dave
Posted By: bigwavedave
Subject: Dear Dave
Date Posted: 29 May 05 at 6:42pm

I have got a lot from this forum so I think it is time that I put something back.

Got a problem?, something on your mind?, relationship problems?, any other personal matters?, don't know where to turn for advice?.

Post them on here and Uncle Dave will give you the answer.



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Replies:
Posted By: carshalton fc
Date Posted: 29 May 05 at 6:44pm
lol yer that put a smile on my face!!  you should have a collum in a newspapper or something!!

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International 14 1503


Posted By: stuarthop
Date Posted: 29 May 05 at 7:23pm

Dear Dave,

I have 5 holes in my leg giving me considerable pain as i fell off my unicycle earlier what should i do, as i have to coach at young racers camp all nxt week, please give your words of wisdom and advice, many thanks, a scorpion helm in pain

 



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Posted By: bigwavedave
Date Posted: 29 May 05 at 7:36pm

Mmmm not an easy one to start off with, but fortunately i am blessed with immense medical knowledge.

Fill the holes with ding stick.  this is available from all good surf and windsurf shops. It is best to anetit   aheteniti    anethiter   NUMB the area to be treated prior to inserting the ding stick.  Rub alchohol into the infected area. This must be done internally so drink loads until it seeps from the wounds, you re then ready to insert the ding stick.

If you are lucky there will be some girlies at the young racers camp who will be impressed with your  injuries and you might pull one. 

give up the unicycle and get a tricycle instead.

 

 



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Posted By: sailor girl
Date Posted: 29 May 05 at 7:52pm
should i do the same for the blisters on my feet from wearing flip flops?? do i need to drink more alcohol cos they are on my feet and will take longer for the alcohol to reach?!! hehe!

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Sailor Girl, Queen Of The Forum!


Posted By: bigwavedave
Date Posted: 29 May 05 at 8:01pm

No No No.  By the time sufficient alcohol reaches your feet you will have fallen over and have blisters on your hands and knees from trying to crawl home.

A thick layer of margarine over your feet before you next step into your flip flops should provide all the protection you need.



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Posted By: sailor girl
Date Posted: 29 May 05 at 8:15pm
damit!

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Sailor Girl, Queen Of The Forum!


Posted By: Black no sugar
Date Posted: 29 May 05 at 11:10pm

Dear Dave,

I have been at the Laser Open in Lancing all day, trying to help in the committee boat. There wasn't much wind and the boat was gently rocking. It's now 11pm and I still have this swaying feeling, although I'm now on terra firma. Do you think it'll disappear soon? Has it got anything to do with the excellent Arundel Gold served at the bar? 
(PS. I've just had a Chinese takeaway as well, I thought I'd mention it, as you're an expert... can it make the condition worse?)  



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http://www.lancingsc.org.uk/index.html - Lancing SC


Posted By: bigwavedave
Date Posted: 30 May 05 at 8:48am

Dear BNS

I can sympathise with your condition.  The reason you are still awake at such a late hour is the amount of chocolate covered coffee beans you consumed. The swaying feeling is the confusion in your brain caused by the rapid writing down of long numbers.  NOTHING to do with the beer your were seen to be guzzling.

A chinese takeaway is a suitable distraction from the effects of spending the day on a small boat with good looking, humerous, intelligent, agony uncle and an engineer.  Next time try the all you can eat option.

All symptoms should be gone by the morning.  If they have not then go back to bed and leave your husband to look after the kids.



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Posted By: Blobby
Date Posted: 30 May 05 at 10:49am

Dear Dave,

I live in a flat in Singapore and I wish to build a Cherub in my living room.  My wife (7 1/2 months pregnant) does not think this is the best idea I have ever had and is threatening drastic surgery (on me with a rusty penknife) should I proceed with this plan.

How should I best approach the problem?

Will the Chinese take away and a bunch of flowers from a garage forecourt approach be considered suitable compensation?



Posted By: bigwavedave
Date Posted: 30 May 05 at 1:52pm

Pushing your luck there Blobby with three questions in one but I am here to help.

Whatever you do DO NOT BUILD A CHERUB IN YOUR LIVING ROOM.  I cannot express this strongly enough.  Build it in the bedroom.  You will find the bed an ideal working platform.  Also if you build it in the living room you will not be able to see the television properly.  Once your new arrival is here your wife will spend most of her time in the nursery and you will be left to sleep in peace on the sofa, so no need for the bedroom, in fact she won't want you anywhere near her in the bedroom once she has given birth.

A chinese takeaway and bunch of flowers from a garage forecourt is not suitable compensation.

When my wife last attacked me with a rusty blade I would accept no less than four cans of lager, a large bowl of jellied eels and a subscription to my favourite porn mag as compensation. Stand firm and do not let her get away with anything less.



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Posted By: 49erGBR735HSC
Date Posted: 30 May 05 at 4:34pm

Dear Dave,

Would you like to do my college assignments for me so I can spend more time with my girlfriend and focus on building a quality relationship?



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Dennis Watson 49er GBR735 http://www.helensburghsailingclub.co.uk/ -
Helensburgh S.C
http://www.noblemarine.co.uk/home.php3?affid=560 - Boat Insurance from Noble Marine



Posted By: bigwavedave
Date Posted: 30 May 05 at 4:44pm

Sorry but I am too busy solving serious problems.  Don't worry about your college assignments.  By the time you have spent more time with your girlfriend she will find out what you are really like.  She will realise that she does not want a relationship with you and dump you. 

You will then have plenty of time to do your own assignments.

I hope this puts your mind at rest.



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Posted By: 49erGBR735HSC
Date Posted: 30 May 05 at 4:55pm
Good point, need to do the college stuff constantly and we might actually last more than a few weeks, bet she'll be glad for the peace too....

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Dennis Watson 49er GBR735 http://www.helensburghsailingclub.co.uk/ -
Helensburgh S.C
http://www.noblemarine.co.uk/home.php3?affid=560 - Boat Insurance from Noble Marine



Posted By: bigwavedave
Date Posted: 30 May 05 at 4:59pm

Thank you for the response.  Glad to be of service.

NEXT!



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Posted By: hurricane
Date Posted: 30 May 05 at 5:42pm

Dear Dave

People say I have a big head, is there any medical operation I can have to help this?

 



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lifes to short to sail slow boats!

RIP Olympic Tornado 1976-2007


Posted By: bigwavedave
Date Posted: 30 May 05 at 6:09pm

Yes I have heard of your condition, infact it is quite a famous trait of yours in the sailing fraternity.

Unfortunately there is no operation available.  I would suggest that you wrap your overlarge ears around your huge head so as not to alarm people.



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Posted By: hurricane
Date Posted: 30 May 05 at 9:15pm
could i not just use a pin?

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lifes to short to sail slow boats!

RIP Olympic Tornado 1976-2007


Posted By: bigwavedave
Date Posted: 30 May 05 at 10:34pm

Maybe you could clarify your affliction for me.  Is the big head you have a large zit?  If so the treatment is easy.

Girls love busting zits, so just ask any available girl for a bit of a squeeze.

If you do succeed in reducing the size of your head then remember that you will be aerodynamically faster upwind due to reduced drag, but slower downwind due to decreased surface area.



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Posted By: hurricane
Date Posted: 30 May 05 at 10:35pm
no it is just an overly large head! hence the fat head nickname lol

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lifes to short to sail slow boats!

RIP Olympic Tornado 1976-2007


Posted By: hurricane
Date Posted: 30 May 05 at 10:37pm
seeing as i do alot of downwind sailing i have decided to leave it be but get it aerodynamicly shaped like a wing for upwind sailing then swivil my head to go downwind!

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lifes to short to sail slow boats!

RIP Olympic Tornado 1976-2007


Posted By: Black no sugar
Date Posted: 31 May 05 at 12:11am

You might end up sailing in circles ... You'd be "720 forever"



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http://www.lancingsc.org.uk/index.html - Lancing SC


Posted By: Blobby
Date Posted: 31 May 05 at 1:29am

Dear Dave,

Is it true that men and women can just be good friends?



Posted By: Black no sugar
Date Posted: 31 May 05 at 8:38am
Can they really be friends???

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http://www.lancingsc.org.uk/index.html - Lancing SC


Posted By: Phil eltringham
Date Posted: 31 May 05 at 10:11am

Dear Dave,

I really need a job ASAP so I can afford to keep sailing this year, please help, (failing that can I have the next set of winning lottery numbers). 

Many thanks,

Phil



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FLAT IS FAST!
Shifts Happen


Posted By: 49erGBR735HSC
Date Posted: 31 May 05 at 3:01pm
Originally posted by Blobby

Dear Dave,

Is it true that men and women can just be good friends?

In Dave's absence, I'd say it is true but don't expect anything else and if you've put yourself into an akward situation you have to try and put it firmly behind you. Mind you it all changes with alcohol, so be warned!!!!

Dave's stand in (Sorry Dave......)



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Dennis Watson 49er GBR735 http://www.helensburghsailingclub.co.uk/ -
Helensburgh S.C
http://www.noblemarine.co.uk/home.php3?affid=560 - Boat Insurance from Noble Marine



Posted By: bigwavedave
Date Posted: 31 May 05 at 4:41pm
Originally posted by Blobby

Dear Dave,

Is it true that men and women can just be good friends?

No. 

(that was an easy one)



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Posted By: 49erGBR735HSC
Date Posted: 31 May 05 at 4:46pm
Sorry Dave, got plenty of friends who are women.........

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Dennis Watson 49er GBR735 http://www.helensburghsailingclub.co.uk/ -
Helensburgh S.C
http://www.noblemarine.co.uk/home.php3?affid=560 - Boat Insurance from Noble Marine



Posted By: bigwavedave
Date Posted: 31 May 05 at 4:49pm
Originally posted by Phil eltringham

Dear Dave,

I really need a job ASAP so I can afford to keep sailing this year, please help, (failing that can I have the next set of winning lottery numbers). 

Many thanks,

Phil

Well welcome to the real world.  All that time studying and no job!

But you are in luck.  I need a new apprentice.  The current one is worn out and the employment tribunal are taking his side.  when he gets back from his unpaid holiday next week I will sack him.  You can then have his job.  125-00 a week.

However once you get a job you will not have enough time to go sailing.  Get a bar job.  You only have to work nights so the days are free.  You can give the fit birds a few free vodkas and cokes so your love life will improve.  Plus you can down a few yourself.



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Posted By: 49erGBR735HSC
Date Posted: 31 May 05 at 4:51pm
I'll second that Saves you money too because you work instead of going out at the weekend

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Dennis Watson 49er GBR735 http://www.helensburghsailingclub.co.uk/ -
Helensburgh S.C
http://www.noblemarine.co.uk/home.php3?affid=560 - Boat Insurance from Noble Marine



Posted By: bigwavedave
Date Posted: 31 May 05 at 4:54pm

Originally posted by 49erGBR735HSC

Sorry Dave, got plenty of friends who are women.........

Getting a bit serious aren't we!



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Posted By: 49erGBR735HSC
Date Posted: 31 May 05 at 4:57pm
 Mind you, you could be right, all they do is moan when they get drunk and make it look like they are your girlfriend.......... I'll take it back, your probably right

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Dennis Watson 49er GBR735 http://www.helensburghsailingclub.co.uk/ -
Helensburgh S.C
http://www.noblemarine.co.uk/home.php3?affid=560 - Boat Insurance from Noble Marine



Posted By: bigwavedave
Date Posted: 31 May 05 at 4:58pm

Sorry Phil I forgot to give you the lottery numbers. 

However i do not think that my talents should be used for shallow capital gain. But seeing as you are a long standing member of the forum i will give you a clue. Pick six of the following

1, 2, 3 ,4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12 ,13 ,14 ,15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41, 42, 43, 44, 45, 46, 47, 48, 49.

Hope this helps.



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Posted By: bigwavedave
Date Posted: 31 May 05 at 4:59pm

Originally posted by 49erGBR735HSC

 Mind you, you could be right, all they do is moan when they get drunk and make it look like they are your girlfriend.......... I'll take it back, your probably right

Thank you.  the mystical all seeing all knowing bigwavedave is never wrong!



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Posted By: 49erGBR735HSC
Date Posted: 31 May 05 at 5:02pm
Dave, you deserve a knighthood

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Dennis Watson 49er GBR735 http://www.helensburghsailingclub.co.uk/ -
Helensburgh S.C
http://www.noblemarine.co.uk/home.php3?affid=560 - Boat Insurance from Noble Marine



Posted By: Phil eltringham
Date Posted: 31 May 05 at 7:16pm

thanks dave, what a godsend, I was thinking of picking 84, 73, 55, 91, 95, and 104 but i think i'm gonna be winning big this saturday now, I'll get you a pint when the cheque arrives. 

On the subject of men and women being friends, a wise man once told me women are allowed to be "just good friends" with a man (especially after they dump one), but men can only ever be letches, under-the-thumb, or gay. 



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FLAT IS FAST!
Shifts Happen


Posted By: bigwavedave
Date Posted: 31 May 05 at 7:28pm

Yes, quite correct. I taught that wise man all he knows.

Don't let the side down Phil, be a letch. For every 563 that tell you to stop oggling one will take it as a compliment, and bingo you've pulled.

I look forward to that pint.



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Posted By: Pierre
Date Posted: 31 May 05 at 7:51pm
Dear Dave,  do find it difficult to fight off the women due to a superior physique not generally available to other males.  What tips do you have for me to address this problem?


Posted By: bigwavedave
Date Posted: 31 May 05 at 8:11pm

I can empathise with your problem Pierre.

You have only two options.

Give in to them all and spoil those lucky, lucky ladies.

Drink too much, eat lots of kebabs with onions and chilli sauce, only bath/shower on a bank holiday, only shave on a new moon, moisturise your skin daily with beef dripping.

 



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Posted By: Black no sugar
Date Posted: 31 May 05 at 9:46pm

Dear Dave,

The depth of your wisdom astounds me.

A good friend of mine (nothing more ) has made a heart-wrenching decision: his van came to an abrupt and final stop last week and he decided to buy a new(er) van rather than a boat!
Now, this man of exquisite taste has set his heart on a Contender.
I also have to mention that he is a self-effacing, caring, refined gentleman who puts lots of time and energy into helping others. Here is my question: do you think he'd object if grateful forum readers kindly made a small donation towards a new(er) boat...? 

(to give you an idea of price, my local Contender sailor shouts from the sitting-room that you can get a good second-hand for 2,500 - There are over 1,500 members on the forum. That's not even 2 quid each.... Such a great man deserves at least that!)

 



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http://www.lancingsc.org.uk/index.html - Lancing SC


Posted By: Pierre
Date Posted: 31 May 05 at 10:12pm

Dave, a sage and honest reply.  I shall take both options and spoil myself rotten.

Sorry to hear about the van.  Is BnS trying to flog you her mans Contender by any chance? (Just reading between the lines a bit there chap).



Posted By: Black no sugar
Date Posted: 31 May 05 at 10:37pm
Originally posted by Pierre

 Is BnS trying to flog you her man's Contender by any chance?

Been there, done that - and that's the reason why BWD hasn't got a boat!!!  . It wasn't my fault, though, honest...



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http://www.lancingsc.org.uk/index.html - Lancing SC


Posted By: Blobby
Date Posted: 01 Jun 05 at 1:19am

BWD is boatless???????????  No wonder he has turned into an agony uncle - there is nothing like having a good laugh at somebody else's problems to take your mind off your own.  Now the next one...

Dear Dave, my line manager is irish and our boss is american.  Do you have any advice?



Posted By: Black no sugar
Date Posted: 01 Jun 05 at 1:48am

Come back to England! At least here, you could join a support group and take regular medication.

FYI:
- support group: Lancing SC (or any other club, but you need constant reassurance by BWD)
- medication: Arundel Gold, perfect anesthetic when anti-American / anti-Irish (and anti-French...) jokes are getting tiresome.

   



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http://www.lancingsc.org.uk/index.html - Lancing SC


Posted By: Blobby
Date Posted: 01 Jun 05 at 6:19am
Can't I just send them to England instead so that I can enjoy the tropics in peace?


Posted By: bigwavedave
Date Posted: 01 Jun 05 at 3:42pm
Originally posted by Blobby

BWD is boatless???????????  No wonder he has turned into an agony uncle - there is nothing like having a good laugh at somebody else's problems to take your mind off your own.  Now the next one...

Dear Dave, my line manager is irish and our boss is american.  Do you have any advice?

Yes.  Talk very slowly so as they can understand you.  Since they are both foreign you may also have to shout. 

 



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Posted By: bigwavedave
Date Posted: 01 Jun 05 at 3:48pm
Originally posted by Black no sugar

Dear Dave,

The depth of your wisdom astounds me.

A good friend of mine (nothing more ) has made a heart-wrenching decision: his van came to an abrupt and final stop last week and he decided to buy a new(er) van rather than a boat!
Now, this man of exquisite taste has set his heart on a Contender.
I also have to mention that he is a self-effacing, caring, refined gentleman who puts lots of time and energy into helping others. Here is my question: do you think he'd object if grateful forum readers kindly made a small donation towards a new(er) boat...? 

(to give you an idea of price, my local Contender sailor shouts from the sitting-room that you can get a good second-hand for 2,500 - There are over 1,500 members on the forum. That's not even 2 quid each.... Such a great man deserves at least that!)

What a fantastic idea.  I am sure that the boatless man will be greatful of all donations.  I fully support your idea. But may I suggest 3-00 each.

Hopefully his newer van stops better than his previous one. Apparently the only way he could stop it was with the not so careful use of the vehicle in front.



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Posted By: Black no sugar
Date Posted: 02 Jun 05 at 1:55am

Dear Dave,

Originally posted by BWD who's going down my esteem  fast with silly lines like that

Talk very slowly so as they can understand you.  Since they are both foreign you may also have to shout.

Your reply to Blobby saddens me a bit. From my point of you, it seems that the fine line of political correctness you tread so skilfully has been hopelessly mangled. Over the last 15 years, I have been constantly surrounded by foreigners and I can assure you that they are very kind, considerate and polite people who find quite odd being shouted at (except the ing idiot who cut me up at the roundabout the other day).

Would you allow the fact that some foreigners might have a basic grasp of English, and would be able to blend harmoniously in the community once the quarantine period is over?

On the other hand, I acknowledge that getting to grips with a new culture isn't as easy as it looks... What do you call that London pie-thingy, by the way?  

Merci d'avance

xxx

 

 



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http://www.lancingsc.org.uk/index.html - Lancing SC


Posted By: Blobby
Date Posted: 02 Jun 05 at 3:07am

Are we going to be reading reports of how an unfortunate comment on a sailing website has led to bloodshed and rioting at the previously peaceful Lancing Sailing Club??

Beware Dave, a mumbled retraction rarely does anything to change the facts...be warned that with great power, such as that you wield in this agony forum, comes with great responsibility...

But, back to more serious matters - Dave, I am married to half a foreigner - can I shout at her too?



Posted By: bigwavedave
Date Posted: 02 Jun 05 at 6:16am

Dear BNS,

Unfortunately not every one like my answers. However, since your husband is not of your native land he could be classed as a foreigner.  And I have heard you shout shout at him in French!

Pie and Mash.



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Posted By: bigwavedave
Date Posted: 02 Jun 05 at 6:18am
Originally posted by Blobby

Are we going to be reading reports of how an unfortunate comment on a sailing website has led to bloodshed and rioting at the previously peaceful Lancing Sailing Club??

Beware Dave, a mumbled retraction rarely does anything to change the facts...be warned that with great power, such as that you wield in this agony forum, comes with great responsibility...

But, back to more serious matters - Dave, I am married to half a foreigner - can I shout at her too?

Of course you can.  But best to shout at her under your breath nice and quietly so as she can't hear you.  This method of shouting protects you from physical injury from either a frying pan or rolling pin.



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Posted By: Black no sugar
Date Posted: 02 Jun 05 at 8:46am
Originally posted by bigwavedave

And I have heard you shout at him in French!

I shout at a lot of people in French. It's a mark of affection - you're a true friend when you've had your regular dose of French  

Don't believe it's all rude... Some of it is quite benign, but it sounds so much better in French!  It's also a way of attracting attention, I confess... Ask someone to wipe the dishes, and he legs it. Now, say to him "Tu essuies la vaisselle ?" and you've got time to throw the tea-towel at him before he works it out! (hey GaryA?) Useful or what?



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http://www.lancingsc.org.uk/index.html - Lancing SC


Posted By: Blobby
Date Posted: 02 Jun 05 at 9:51am
Originally posted by bigwavedave

Originally posted by Blobby

Are we going to be reading reports of how an unfortunate comment on a sailing website has led to bloodshed and rioting at the previously peaceful Lancing Sailing Club??

Beware Dave, a mumbled retraction rarely does anything to change the facts...be warned that with great power, such as that you wield in this agony forum, comes with great responsibility...

But, back to more serious matters - Dave, I am married to half a foreigner - can I shout at her too?

Of course you can.  But best to shout at her under your breath nice and quietly so as she can't hear you.  This method of shouting protects you from physical injury from either a frying pan or rolling pin.

Dave, you are as cunning as a fox who was professor of cunning at the university of Oxford...I will try this tonight



Posted By: Blobby
Date Posted: 02 Jun 05 at 9:54am
[/QUOTE]

 Some of it is quite benign, but it sounds so much better in French!  

[/QUOTE]

Too true - calling your other half a cabbage or a cauliflower isn't really taken as a compliment in english...



Posted By: Black no sugar
Date Posted: 02 Jun 05 at 9:56am

Oh, mon chou !  

It's so sweet... 

Lucky you!!



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http://www.lancingsc.org.uk/index.html - Lancing SC


Posted By: Blobby
Date Posted: 02 Jun 05 at 10:17am

Actually a friend of mine got in a bit of bother at Uni over this one - he was spending a year in Paris and started seeing a girl from Mauritius...one evening, after a pleasant meal and a good bottle of wine he was feeling particularly affectionate called her his "petit choufleur". 

The reaction he got was excellent and all was well until the following morning when she asked him what time they would call her parents to give them the good news...



Posted By: Black no sugar
Date Posted: 02 Jun 05 at 10:31am

He should have dated a French girl. She probably would have laughed and told him she'd call him one of these days... Trust my bilingual experience: words of endearment (and swear words too  ) are notoriously difficult to pitch - I am talking of register of language, there, before you start comments!



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http://www.lancingsc.org.uk/index.html - Lancing SC


Posted By: john.d.knight
Date Posted: 02 Jun 05 at 12:22pm

As I only have school boy French, I worked out Petit/Small and Fleur/Flower but I had to use babelfish for chou.

Is "my little cabbage flower" a term of endearment in France or did something get lost in translation!



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Pain is just weakness leaving the body.


Posted By: Black no sugar
Date Posted: 02 Jun 05 at 12:36pm
CauliflowerChou-fleur means cauliflower... I've never been called like that, and I strongly advise everyone NOT to try!!   

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http://www.lancingsc.org.uk/index.html - Lancing SC


Posted By: bigwavedave
Date Posted: 02 Jun 05 at 5:09pm

Blobby,  Thank you for your kind comments.

just to let you know I can also predict the future, and am a font of all knowledge, so if there is any thing you would like to know please ask.



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Posted By: Spot192
Date Posted: 02 Jun 05 at 5:33pm
dear dave,

you said you are able to predict the future, so im asking you if i will be a strong heavy weight (hope not too fat) femal sailor until the 14 worlds will be held in germany in 2008? and please tell me that nothing will break until then!

thanks in advance, fiona


Posted By: bigwavedave
Date Posted: 02 Jun 05 at 5:43pm

Dear Fiona,

You will not be fat.  You will be strong but you will not be a heavy weight.

The only thing that will break is a young mans heart when you tell him no. (oh and two tiller extensions and a mug).



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Posted By: Spot192
Date Posted: 02 Jun 05 at 6:33pm
dear dave,

im really relieved to heart that ill be strong and not fat! but im already crying for my tillers, but on the weekend ill buy some new ones! good that you warned me! keep on giving wise advices!

fiona


Posted By: sailor.jon
Date Posted: 02 Jun 05 at 7:07pm
Dear Dave,

there is a topper open at our club shortly,
do you think that i could write 'topper' on the side of the Dart 16 and be able to compete?

would they be able to tell the difference between the dart and the toppers?   

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Jon
Vortex 1169
http://www.yorkshiredales.sc/ - Yorkshire Dales Sailing Club


Posted By: bigwavedave
Date Posted: 02 Jun 05 at 7:56pm

Good idea Jon.

One problem. The name alone will not suffice.  You will need to draw a top hat on the sail.  This will unfortunately devalue your boat immediately. so DONT DO IT.

Please alse remember that the race team will already be busy disqualifying the smallest of topper sailors in order to teach 'em a lesson and spoil their day. Please don't spoil it for them any further by lapping them 37 times per race in your iffy craft.

 



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Posted By: Beebe
Date Posted: 02 Jun 05 at 9:11pm
Dear dave

My boyfriend dumped me yesterday and now I have to see him
at the sailing club. What should I do? Is there anyway I can get
revenge without everyone thinking I am a cow? Advice please!


Posted By: hurricane
Date Posted: 02 Jun 05 at 9:12pm

dear dave

is it right to stalk someone just because you think there fit?



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lifes to short to sail slow boats!

RIP Olympic Tornado 1976-2007


Posted By: bigwavedave
Date Posted: 02 Jun 05 at 10:02pm
Originally posted by hurricane

dear dave

is it right to stalk someone just because you think there fit?

Yeah thats fine. In fact people may think that there is something wrong with you if you don't.



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Posted By: bigwavedave
Date Posted: 02 Jun 05 at 10:08pm

Originally posted by Beebe

Dear dave

My boyfriend dumped me yesterday and now I have to see him
at the sailing club. What should I do? Is there anyway I can get
revenge without everyone thinking I am a cow? Advice please!

Wear very revealing clothes, this will give the impression that you don't care, it will also help you to get a new boyfriend.

If you don't want to see him at the sailing club then simply keep your eyes shut.

If you get revenge then unfortunately everyone will consider you a cow.  So make it worth your while and pull his best mate or brother.



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Posted By: bigwavedave
Date Posted: 02 Jun 05 at 10:11pm
I have a very busy day tomorrow so will not be able to provide advice until later in the evening, thats if I don't go to the pub.  sorry for any inconvenience caused.

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Posted By: 49erGBR735HSC
Date Posted: 03 Jun 05 at 3:58pm

Dear Dave

What's the meaning of life? and don't do a hitch hiker's guide to the galaxy thingy!



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Dennis Watson 49er GBR735 http://www.helensburghsailingclub.co.uk/ -
Helensburgh S.C
http://www.noblemarine.co.uk/home.php3?affid=560 - Boat Insurance from Noble Marine



Posted By: carshalton fc
Date Posted: 03 Jun 05 at 3:59pm

Dear dave

i have been looking for a girlfriend who can sail for ages and havent had much luck so far and as you are a welth of knolage can i have a couple of tips!!  lukey

 



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International 14 1503


Posted By: bigwavedave
Date Posted: 03 Jun 05 at 4:04pm
Originally posted by 49erGBR735HSC

Dear Dave

What's the meaning of life? and don't do a hitch hiker's guide to the galaxy thingy!

I would not dream of doing a hitch hikers thingy, I only provide REAL solutions.

In answer to your query

Lager, kebabs and jellied eels. 



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Posted By: 49erGBR735HSC
Date Posted: 03 Jun 05 at 4:05pm
No women or sailing then????

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Dennis Watson 49er GBR735 http://www.helensburghsailingclub.co.uk/ -
Helensburgh S.C
http://www.noblemarine.co.uk/home.php3?affid=560 - Boat Insurance from Noble Marine



Posted By: bigwavedave
Date Posted: 03 Jun 05 at 4:14pm
Originally posted by carshalton fc

Dear dave

i have been looking for a girlfriend who can sail for ages and havent had much luck so far and as you are a welth of knolage can i have a couple of tips!!  lukey

No No No, lukey dear boy.

You do not want a girlfriend who sails, it will only spoil your weekend.  What you want is a girlfriend who likes to cook, wash, clean and attend to any other needs you may have (if you know what I mean).

This type of bird can be found at most clubs and bars. Tell then that you can't see them at the weekend because you are spending it on your boat.  They will be very impressed and think that you are minted, so best leave out the stratos with your mum bit.

How do you attract them?  Well I find that they come up to me most of the time.

Don't look too hard. And with your spelling best not write anything to them.



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Posted By: bigwavedave
Date Posted: 03 Jun 05 at 4:18pm

Originally posted by 49erGBR735HSC

No women or sailing then????

Not tonight no. You will discover, when you are as wise as me, that the meaning of life changes on a regular basis.  But as that great sporting ambassador George Best said when asked what he did with his money " most of it was spent on loose women, fast cars and booze, the rest I wasted"



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Posted By: carshalton fc
Date Posted: 03 Jun 05 at 4:30pm

cheers dave!!  unfortunatly i am a bit to young to get into clubs!!  so any more tips?  lol 



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International 14 1503


Posted By: bigwavedave
Date Posted: 03 Jun 05 at 4:40pm
Originally posted by carshalton fc

cheers dave!!  unfortunatly i am a bit to young to get into clubs!!  so any more tips?  lol 

There is a club in Crawley that has under 18's nights, so there must be one in your neck of the woods.  But do look on the bright side, you won't get arrested hanging about the six form college or school gates!



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Posted By: carshalton fc
Date Posted: 03 Jun 05 at 4:45pm
yer but they dont serve drinks!!  thanks 4 the advice tho!!

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International 14 1503


Posted By: bigwavedave
Date Posted: 03 Jun 05 at 4:46pm
Well drink before you get there then

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Posted By: Pierre
Date Posted: 03 Jun 05 at 5:23pm

Originally posted by bigwavedave

Well drink before you get there then

Lord knows the rest of Crawley does......



Posted By: Black no sugar
Date Posted: 04 Jun 05 at 9:51am

Dear Dave,


A friend is having trouble with his system. Last year he Upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from Drinking Mates 4.2, which he'd used for Years without any trouble.
However, apparently there are conflicts between these two Systems and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend with the sound turned off.
But to make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as:
Lads Night Out 3.1, Golf 2 and Playstation 2.0.

Successive versions of Girlfriend proved no better, Girlfriend 3.0 Had many bugs and left a virus in his system, forcing him to shut down completely for several weeks.
Eventually he tried installing Girlfriend 3.1 as well as Girlfriend 1.0 again, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to all his hardware.
Sensing a way out, he upgraded to Fiance 1.0 only to discover to his dismay that this system requires rapid upgrading to Wife 1.0.
However, whilst 1.0 uses up all available resources it does come bundled with FreeSexPlus and Cleanhouse 2000 plus GreatMealsOnTable {although only guaranteed for a limited period}.
But imagine my friend's disappointment on discovering Wife 1.0 can be unstable and costly to maintain, any mistakes he makes are automatically stored in Wife Hard Drive and cannot be deleted - they then resurface months (or years) later.
Wife 1.0 also automatically runs Ultra STROP and WHINGE.zip and no option on the Help menu seems to work, leaving him to try and GUESS the fault himself.

The system footprint needs updating regularly requiring Shoeshop Browser.Pro for new attachments - Hairstyle Express needs to be reinstalled every week.
Wife 1.0 also has a rather annoying pop-up called Mother-in-law, which can't be turned off. Recently he's been tempted to try the Mistress 2000 add-on, but there could be problems. If Wife 1.0 detects the presence of Mistress 2000, it will delete all Money files before un-installing itself in a hidden folder.
Any ideas?



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http://www.lancingsc.org.uk/index.html - Lancing SC


Posted By: bigwavedave
Date Posted: 04 Jun 05 at 6:32pm

Yet another easy one.  You start by saying this person is a friend of yours.  Simply dump him as a friend and the problem will go away.



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Posted By: bigwavedave
Date Posted: 05 Jun 05 at 7:01pm

This is very serious. Please watch it all the way through. 

http://www.rachelgetsfruity.com/flash.html - http://www.rachelgetsfruity.com/flash.html

 

 

 

(I now check every fifteen minutes)



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Posted By: Black no sugar
Date Posted: 05 Jun 05 at 10:17pm

A PLUM!!! and a big one!!! She's such a shameless flatterer...



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http://www.lancingsc.org.uk/index.html - Lancing SC


Posted By: KnightMare
Date Posted: 06 Jun 05 at 11:01pm

Dear Dave, people that I talk to on here keep filling up their PM inbox so I cant reply, I dont want to sound like im ignoring them but... What do I do?



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http://theramblingsofmyinnergeek.blogspot.com/


Posted By: 49erGBR735HSC
Date Posted: 07 Jun 05 at 10:22am
Even I know that one, just stop talking to people............ or empty your PM inbox

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Dennis Watson 49er GBR735 http://www.helensburghsailingclub.co.uk/ -
Helensburgh S.C
http://www.noblemarine.co.uk/home.php3?affid=560 - Boat Insurance from Noble Marine



Posted By: carshalton fc
Date Posted: 07 Jun 05 at 10:24am
no i think pippa means that other people dont delete there pm's!!  lol  i have got used to read in things a couple of times with exams!!

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International 14 1503


Posted By: 49erGBR735HSC
Date Posted: 07 Jun 05 at 11:52am
Scary stuff, I think I had a temporary blonde moment on my previous comment....

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Dennis Watson 49er GBR735 http://www.helensburghsailingclub.co.uk/ -
Helensburgh S.C
http://www.noblemarine.co.uk/home.php3?affid=560 - Boat Insurance from Noble Marine



Posted By: carshalton fc
Date Posted: 07 Jun 05 at 11:54am
yer!!  blonde of the day goes to dennis!!

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International 14 1503


Posted By: 49erGBR735HSC
Date Posted: 07 Jun 05 at 2:22pm

Dear Dave

I'm wondering since my girlfriend has blonde bits in her hair if the blonde effect is wearing off on me. Should I get her to dye her hair to help me not have any blonde moments. Or should I dye my hair so that I've got an excuse......

Your advice is much appreciated.



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Dennis Watson 49er GBR735 http://www.helensburghsailingclub.co.uk/ -
Helensburgh S.C
http://www.noblemarine.co.uk/home.php3?affid=560 - Boat Insurance from Noble Marine



Posted By: Black no sugar
Date Posted: 07 Jun 05 at 3:01pm

Dear Dave,

I know for a fact you're a eminent expert on hairstyles.
I am a blonde and use it extensively as an excuse for the little  ooops moments that everyone experiences in their life. When I say "Ooops, sorry, but I am a blonde!" people tell me to "Cut it out!"

Do they want me to shave my head?



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http://www.lancingsc.org.uk/index.html - Lancing SC


Posted By: Spot192
Date Posted: 07 Jun 05 at 3:42pm
think from experience i can also help you a bit! never ever cut your blonde hair out! did that once and then you dont have any excuse when you do stupid things!


Posted By: bigwavedave
Date Posted: 07 Jun 05 at 4:35pm
Originally posted by KnightMare

Dear Dave, people that I talk to on here keep filling up their PM inbox so I cant reply, I dont want to sound like im ignoring them but... What do I do?

Go to msn or as dennis so eloquently put it, stop talking so much, ie shut up for a bit.



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Posted By: bigwavedave
Date Posted: 07 Jun 05 at 4:39pm
Originally posted by 49erGBR735HSC

Dear Dave

I'm wondering since my girlfriend has blonde bits in her hair if the blonde effect is wearing off on me. Should I get her to dye her hair to help me not have any blonde moments. Or should I dye my hair so that I've got an excuse......

Your advice is much appreciated.

well my wife has grey bits in her hair and now I am getting grey bits in mine , so you are right to be worried.

The blond bits your bird has are obviously her roots comming through.  She has tricked you into thinking she is brunet and therefore intelligent. She is obviously quite a naughty little thing.  Tell her that you know of her sordid little secret and demand serious compensation ( I am sure you know what I mean).  If she denies your claims then dump her.



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Posted By: bigwavedave
Date Posted: 07 Jun 05 at 4:42pm
Originally posted by Black no sugar

Dear Dave,

I know for a fact you're a eminent expert on hairstyles.
I am a blonde and use it extensively as an excuse for the little  ooops moments that everyone experiences in their life. When I say "Ooops, sorry, but I am a blonde!" people tell me to "Cut it out!"

Do they want me to shave my head?

Yes get the clippers out.



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Posted By: carshalton fc
Date Posted: 07 Jun 05 at 5:07pm

Dear dave

i always finish exams in about half the time and always have about 1 hour left to go!  i have tried drawing but this is good if there is spare pages and today i counted the tiles on the ceiling!!  please help i have a english exam tomurow morning!!  lukey



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International 14 1503


Posted By: bigwavedave
Date Posted: 07 Jun 05 at 5:12pm
Originally posted by carshalton fc

Dear dave

i always finish exams in about half the time and always have about 1 hour left to go!  i have tried drawing but this is good if there is spare pages and today i counted the tiles on the ceiling!!  please help i have a english exam tomurow morning!!  lukey

You are finishing your exams in half the time because you are only doing half the questions.

The drawing will help in your art exam, and well done for counting the tiles, no doubt your maths will improve.

You have no hope in your english exam, your spelling is just too bad.  Don't bother with it, you can speak the lingo so no need to prove it by an exam.  Have a lie in instead.



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Posted By: carshalton fc
Date Posted: 07 Jun 05 at 5:14pm
yer good advice but a lie in wont get me the grades i need for a boat!! 

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International 14 1503


Posted By: sailor.jon
Date Posted: 07 Jun 05 at 6:01pm

Dear Dave, maybe its my young mind, or maybe my bad understanding of english(of which i also have the exam tomorrow) but how do grades = boats?



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Jon
Vortex 1169
http://www.yorkshiredales.sc/ - Yorkshire Dales Sailing Club



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