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best funny emails |
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MRJP BUZZ 585
Really should get out more Joined: 05 Mar 06 Location: United Kingdom Online Status: Offline Posts: 1496 |
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Topic: best funny emails Posted: 12 Dec 07 at 9:42am |
Love it
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Webmuppet
Really should get out more Joined: 11 Mar 06 Location: Suffolk Online Status: Offline Posts: 534 |
Post Options Quote Reply Posted: 12 Dec 07 at 10:25am |
Christmas Carols For The Psychologically Challenged... 1. Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear? 2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Queens Disoriented Are. 3. Amnesia --- I Don't Know If I'll Be Home For Christmas. 5. Manic --- Deck The Halls And Walls And House And Lawn And Streets And Stores And Office And Town And Cars And Buses And Trucks And Trees And Phone Boxes. 6. Paranoid --- Santa Claus Is Coming To Get Me. 7. Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts Of Roasting On An Open Fire. 8. Full Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why. 9. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder ---Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells10. Agoraphobia --- I Heard The Bells On Christmas Day But Wouldn't Leave My House. 11. Senile Dementia --- Walking In A Winter Wonderland Miles From My House In My Slippers And Pyjamas. 12. Oppositional Defiant Disorder --- I Saw Mummy Kissing Santa Claus So I Burned Down the House. 13. Sociopath - God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen Buried under the Patio. 14. Drug Dependency - Rudolph The Runny Nosed Reindeer. Edited by Webmuppet |
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I am the milkman of human kindness, I will leave an extra pint (Billy Bragg)
Graduate 2530 'Galaxy' |
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ratface
Really should get out more Joined: 07 Apr 07 Location: United Kingdom Online Status: Offline Posts: 686 |
Post Options Quote Reply Posted: 12 Dec 07 at 4:23pm |
1.Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds. 2.While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket. 3.Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. 4.Ask if he would mind watering your plants. 5.While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly. 6.Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit! 7.Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say "We hate Christmas," and "Go away Santa." 8.Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home. 9.Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney. Refuse to let him leave until the strippers arrive. 10.While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't have missed that last payment, and take off. 11.Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says, "For The Tooth Fairy. :)" Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, "For Santa. :(" 12.Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime." 13.Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections. 14.While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire. 15.Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa's sure to see them. Go outside, yell, "Ooh! Look! A deer! And he's got a red nose!" and fire a gun. 16.Leave Santa a note, explaining that you've moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house. 17.Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa to get caught in it, and then explain that you're sorry, but from a distance, he looked like a bear. 18.Leave out a Santa suit, with a dry-cleaning bill. 19.Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you've been "trampled." Threaten to sue. 20.Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs. 21.Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, "This neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us." |
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The Moo
Really should get out more Joined: 01 Jun 06 Online Status: Offline Posts: 807 |
Post Options Quote Reply Posted: 14 Dec 07 at 1:23pm |
A train hits a bus filled with Catholic schoolgirls and they all perish. They are in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates when St. Peter asks the first girl, " Tiffany, have you ever had any contact with a male
organ? She giggles and shyly replies, "Well, I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger." St. Peter says, " Okay, dip the tip of your finger in the Holy Water and pass through the gate." St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Jennifer, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?" The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well, once I fondled and stroked one." St. Peter says, " Okay, dip your whole hand in the Holy Water and pass through the gate." All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls. One girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front, St.Peter says, "Nicola, What seems to be the rush?" The girl replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Betty sticks her arse in it." |
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MRJP BUZZ 585
Really should get out more Joined: 05 Mar 06 Location: United Kingdom Online Status: Offline Posts: 1496 |
Post Options Quote Reply Posted: 14 Dec 07 at 1:26pm |
Nice one
Keep them coming |
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Black no sugar
Really should get out more Joined: 04 Dec 04 Location: Somewhere between Brighton and Lancing Online Status: Offline Posts: 3941 |
Post Options Quote Reply Posted: 14 Dec 07 at 1:26pm |
Very tasteful Gonna be copied, repeated and embellished! |
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The Moo
Really should get out more Joined: 01 Jun 06 Online Status: Offline Posts: 807 |
Post Options Quote Reply Posted: 14 Dec 07 at 1:33pm |
If you insist!: -
A catholic priest and a nun are part of a missionary expedition in North Africa. Nothing goes right for them, they are attacked by bandits and just manage to escape on a camel when a sandstorm hits them. After 5 days of being chased through the desert they are just about out of food and water when the camel suddenly drops down dead. Realising that this is the end they sit down and wait for the tribesmen. "You know Father, there's only one thing I regret about taking holy orders" says the nun. "Really? What might that be Sister?" asks the priest. "Well, I was very young and there are things I never learned. For instance, how is the spark of life implanted?" Embarassed, the priest replies "Through a man's penis". "Oh." says the nun. There's silence for a few minutes before the nun speaks again: "Father......Do all men have a penis?" "Yes Sister" "Do you have a penis?" asks the nun "Yes, of course, Sister" replies the priest "Great! Stick it up that camel's arse and let's get the **** out of here" |
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MRJP BUZZ 585
Really should get out more Joined: 05 Mar 06 Location: United Kingdom Online Status: Offline Posts: 1496 |
Post Options Quote Reply Posted: 14 Dec 07 at 1:57pm |
Heres a very short one that is so stupid it is kind of funny
How do you phone a police dog? Canine Canine Canine |
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The Moo
Really should get out more Joined: 01 Jun 06 Online Status: Offline Posts: 807 |
Post Options Quote Reply Posted: 14 Dec 07 at 2:18pm |
A man wakes up in hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says 'Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but I'm afraid you were in a pile-up on the motorway. You're going to be OK, you'll walk again, everything seems to be OK, but there is a bit of bad news and I'm going to break it to you as gently as I can. Your Willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it.'
The bloke groans a bit (as you would) but the doctor goes on, 'We've checked your insurance and you've actually got £9,000 compensation coming to you and the good news is that we have the technology now to build you a new Willy that will work just as well as your old one, better in fact. But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It is one thousand pounds an inch.' The bloke perks up a bit at this (as you would.) 'So it's a simple decision,' the doctor says, "you need to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch Willy before and you decide to go for a nine inch Willy now, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine incher before and you decide only to invest in a five incher now, she might be a bit disappointed. So it's important that you consult with her to help you make the decision.' So the bloke agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day. 'So' he says, 'have you spoken with your wife?' 'I have.' says the chap. 'And has she helped you to make the decision?' 'Yes, she has' he says. 'And what is the decision?' asks the doctor. 'We're having a new kitchen |
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Oli
Really should get out more Joined: 23 Mar 05 Online Status: Offline Posts: 1020 |
Post Options Quote Reply Posted: 14 Dec 07 at 3:04pm |
blinding!
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