Hurricane Shazza

Hurricane Shazza hit in the early hours of Monday. Epicentre: Basildon, Essex. Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering 'faaackinell'. The hurricane decimated the area causing approximately £30 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementos from the Balearics and Spanish Costas were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their giros arrived.

Essex FM reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered, still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Basildon.

One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said "Jesus! It was a well big shock, d'ya know what I mean? me lil Chardonnay-Mercedes come runnin into me bedroom cryin. Me youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Megan-Storm slept froo it all, d'ya know what I mean? I was still shakin when I was watchin Trisha the next morning. Ya know what I mean don't ya?"

Apparently though, looting, muggings and car crime did carry on as normal. The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Sunny Delight to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and Bone China from Poundland.

HOW CAN YOU HELP?
This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought after - items most needed include:
- Louis Vuitton or Burberry baseball caps.

- Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers).
- Shell suits (female).
- White sport socks.
- Rockport boots.
- Any other items usually sold in Primark.

Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same. Required foodstuffs include:
- Microwave meals.
- Tins of baked beans.
- Ice cream.
- Cans of Colt 45 or Special Brew.

22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms, chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9. £5 will pay for a packet of B&H and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.

**Breaking news**
Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in raspberry alcopop - 'where are you bleeding from?' they asked - 'ROMFORD mate' said the girl, 'woss that got to do wiv it?

* puts on protective clothing in preparation for the backlash from Sailorgirl*

Originally posted by Black no sugar Yup! KnightMare posted it in best funny emails (p35) on 19th April this year... Sad or what?!?!?!?

and I thought I had too much time on my hands

Sailor girl's above that - she knows there are plenty of decent people in Essex, who've done decent things, like: leave Essex!!

Absolutely nothing wrong with Essex, per se. It's only a marginal fringe of its population giving the whole county a   flavour: the human (?) sub-species Chavus vulgarus. These creatures seem to be hell-bent on reproducing and their habitat is spreading rapidely. Their young are most fearsome, because of an elegant lack of thinking power matched only by the garden woodwoms. Females mature early and, due to their poweful sense of community, produce extensive clutches of offspring in a dazzling variety of hair/eyes colour. A fully-grown male is only a threat when in a group, drunk, or picking on much weaker preys.

The spread of Chavus vulgarus is a fairly recent phenomenon (like many parasites, they come from nowhere) and we are not aware of major concentrations of old chavs. One can only hope that this is just a transitional stage in human evolution.... then again, it might be something worse next!!  

PS. No need to resurrect I hate Chavs thread, and we've seen that photo of the Burberry Mini plenty of times... I only posted this to say that Essex is like anywhere else - if you're not convinced, come and take a walk in some Brighton suburbs!

Given their due, chavs are admirable in their indomitable belief that they're always right. Observe a herd of chavs on their way to the waterhole in the sunset: they're garish, loud, misformed and vulgar, they have no future prospects beyond social security, yet they believe that the rest of society should emulate their way of life. Such high self-esteem can't be ignored...   

And nope, I've never been to Blackpool and now, I don't really want to go

Don't forget your fav mag comes from Essex, Sowfhend hactully. Sowf-hen' on sea, to give it it's proper title, boasts europes longest pleasure pier, even if it is rather accident prone. And you can buy a piece of it's burnt blackend timber to preserve for antiquity on ebay!

Still, count yourselves lucky, if it ain't chavs it's chip-eaters on a jolly from the smoke........

No need to apologise! They are everywhere  

I wonder if they would group in an worldwide association... Any idea on a name? We could have interesting acronyms

When it comes to Frenchaves, Essex ought to be twinned with the département of Seine-St-Denis, better-known as '93' (pronounced Neuf-Trois). Frenchaves enjoy rides in their luxuriously customised Renault 12 (("air-dooze"), drink a Kro (Kronenburg) or 10 with half a claquos (Camembert). They shop in Carouf (Carrefour, hypermarket) with their meuf (woman) and use an awful lot of verlan (suburban slang created by switching the first and second half of a word, plus a few necessary linguistic adjustments. Ellen's À DONF' is a prime example).

The beauf, as Hannah's teacher mentioned, is much more old-fashioned. He's really an older Chav whose liver is too bloated to be aggressive. The beauf is more an average working-class Joe Blogg with a beer belly, an irascible wife equipped with inextinguishably yapping, overweight poodle. He wears a sleeveless vest and informous shorts in the summer and, sure sign, sandals with socks!  He's a harmless creature, provided you stay windward.

As for the enterprising Neuf-Trois, they're busy right now making sure that car manufacturers don't run out of business ! (riots in Paris suburbs, hundreds of cars being torched)

Is CHAV short for Council House And Violent?

NEDs are Non Educated Delinquents (sp)

so the world group is

International Delinquents Intent On Torment