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Heccie Thump View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Quote Heccie Thump Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 26 Oct 11 at 6:34pm
Originally posted by getafix

...the "Elvis Dambusters Clock of Tutankamun" is probably the funniest thing I've ever seen  LOL Cry LOL


I agree.  I read the thread this morning before going to work and my ribs were aching with trying not to wake up the family.  I thought it so funny I had tears running down my cheeks.  I turned around to stop looking at it to try and stop laughing, and when I turned back to the computer I started again.

It reminded me of why I used to read Viz :)
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winging it View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Quote winging it Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 28 Oct 11 at 7:50pm

London (Stratford) will be hosting the Olympic Games in 2012.


You may not know is that many of the famous events, which go to make up this spectacular event, are to be especially altered for 2012. A copy of these changes has been leaked, and is reproduced below:

OPENING CEREMONY
The flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native of the area in the traditional dress of balaclava and shell suit. The flame will be contained in a large overturned police van situated on the roof of the stadium.

THE EVENTS
In previous Olympic Games, East London's competitors have not been particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some of the events have been altered slightly to the advantage of local athletes.

 

100 METRES SPRINT
Competitors will have to hold a DVD player and microwave oven (one in each arm) and on the sound of the starting pistol, a police dog will be released from a cage 10 yards behind the athletes.

110 METRES HURDLES
As above but with added obstacles (I.e. Car bonnets, hedges, garden fences, walls etc)

HAMMER
Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to use (claw, sledge etc) the winner will be the one who can cause the most physical damage within three attempts.

FENCING
Entrants will be asked to dispose of as many stolen goods as possible in 5 minutes.

SHOOTING
A strong challenge is expected from local men in this event. The first target will be a moving police van. In the second round, competitors will aim at a post office clerk, bank teller or Securicor-style wages deliveryman. The traditional .22 rifle has been replaced in this event by a choice of either a Browning automatic handgun or sawn-off 12-bore shotgun.

 

BOXING
Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams, and will take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 pints of lager while the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets home. The bout will then commence.

CYCLING TIME TRIALS
Competitors will be asked to break into the University bike shed and take an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy's boy on his first trip away from home. All against the clock.

CYCLING PURSUIT
As above, but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the Australian rugby team, who will witness the theft.

 

MODERN PENTATHLON
Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joyriding and arson.

 

SWIMMING EVENTS
All waterways are currently being tested for toxicity levels, once one is found that can support human life, swimming events will be organised, please note that the Synchronised Swimming event for this year will comprise of dropping acid and watching all the funky ripples on the pool, the specific musical support to this event will be provided by "The Verve."

 

THE MARATHON
A safe route has yet to be decided.

MEN'S 50KM WALK
Unfortunately this will have to be cancelled as the police cannot guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of East London, especially anyone that appears to be... Mincing

 

THE CLOSING CEREMONY
Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of the Stratford Health in the Community anti-drug campaigners, synchronised rock throwing, and music by the Ilford community choir. The flame will be extinguished by police riot water cannon following the inevitable pitch invasion by confused West Ham organised hooliganism club. The stadium itself will then be boarded up before the local athletes break into it and remove all the copper piping and the central heating

 

the same, but different...

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bert View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Quote bert Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 20 Nov 11 at 3:38am
Wally 85 marries Lou Anne 25
 
At 85 years of age, Wally married Lou Anne, a lovely 25 year old. Since her new husband is so old, Lou Anne decides that after their wedding she and Wally should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together. After the wedd...ing festivities Lou Anne prepares herself for bed and the expected "knock" on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Wally, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Wally takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep. After a few minutes, Lou Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Wally. Again he is ready for more "action". Somewhat surprised, Lou Anne consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Wally kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves. She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it - Wally is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more "action". And, once again they enjoy each other. But as Wally gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, "I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Wally." Wally, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Lou Anne and says: ........."You mean I was here already?"
 
Stolen from another forum
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The Moo View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Quote The Moo Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 30 Dec 11 at 5:57pm
Two Aussies, Frank and Steve, were adrift in a lifeboat. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Frank stumbled across an old lamp. He rubbed the lamp vigorously and a genie came forth.

This genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter, Frank blurted out, "Turn the entire ocean into beer. Make that XXXX Lager!"

The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the sea turned into the hard-earned thirst quencher. The genie vanished.

Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. Steve looked disgustedly at Frank whose wish had been granted.

After a long, tension-filled moment Steve said, "Nice going Frank! Now we're going to have to piss in the boat."
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A Seabadger View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Quote A Seabadger Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 21 Feb 12 at 5:21pm
The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'

Yes, she says, 'I remember it well.'

OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'

Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know..

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them,' Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,

'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.

              
I don't suffer from insanity...I enjoy every moment of it.
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Post Options Post Options   Quote ChrisJ Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 29 Apr 12 at 4:32pm
The Archbishop of Canterbury and The Royal Commission for Political Correctness announced today that the climate in the UK should no longer be referred to as 'English Weather'. Rather than offend a sizeable portion of the UK population, it will now be referred to as:

'Muslim Weather'

( Partly Sunni, but mostly Shi'ite )
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bert View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Quote bert Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 29 Apr 12 at 11:06pm
OH yeah that' s being stolen.
Phantom 1181
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bert View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Quote bert Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 05 May 12 at 12:14am

Husband & wife store!

 
A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs


She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 -These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:


Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.


PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex, have money and like beer and football.


The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
Phantom 1181
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Post Options Post Options   Quote JohnW Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 14 Feb 13 at 11:36am
(With all the heavy stuff going on in the sail numbers thread, I though it was time to bump this thread)

My wife just called me.

She said, "Three of the girls in the office have just received some flowers for Valentines Day, they are absolutely gorgeous."

I said, "That's probably why they've received flowers then."

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Post Options Post Options   Quote transient Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 23 Aug 13 at 5:19pm
...with reference to Finbar Saunders


A woman walked into a bar and asked the barman for a double entendre. So the barman gave her one.

A man walked into the Doctors, "Doctor, Doctor I've got a strawberry stuck up my arse".....

...the Doctor replied "I've got some cream for that"
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